Katie Quinn has found 13 reasons why cyclists are all the friends you'll ever need!

Words: Katie Quinn
Cover photo: Avinash Kunjamboo

If it’s true what they say - that you only need a few good friends to be truly happy - then I highly recommend you clear your Christmas Card list and start over... this time starting (and probably finishing) with the cyclists you know. They’ll be your greatest pals and give your life ultimate meaning and purpose. Here’s 13 reasons why.

1. Humour

Cyclists - they’re a funny bunch. They wear skin-tight matching shorts and top combos, with funny pockets and zippers, get up before the sun, exhaust themselves, take more photos of their bikes than their children and still think they’re completely normal. Theyre happy to be seen in public - sans jocks but with long socks. Obviously, they’re nothing if not hilarious.

2. Money

The best bike-related things in life are definitely not free. This covers their machinery, apparel, accessories and maintenance. Cyclists are not cheapskates, they won’t get involved in the sport if they are. They’re happy to shout coffees and give away priceless advice for free - about the best rides and what you simply must buy next and how it will change your life.

3. Cafe culture

Your cyclist friend knows all the best cafes, the baristas know them and they can rearrange the furniture #likeaboss. They always seem to be served first, as a subtle tactic to get their sweaty butts back out on the road ASAP whilst sparing other patrons from their rose-scented body odour.

4. The Zen

These guys know how to enjoy the little things - a day with no wind, a quiet road, the sound of 6 sets of cleats clipping into pedals in unison, even numbers and a competent crew who understand rolling turns and never half-wheel. The little things.... ahhhh

5. Reliability

Never before have you had a pal that commits as strongly and faithfully as a cyclist. They’re as reliable as a two-bob watch, and always punctual - if not they risk missing the roll out for the bunchie. Need to be picked up from the airport? - ask a cyclist. Can’t find a hot date to show off at the work Xmas party, one that won’t drink too much and embarrass you in front of your boss? - invite a cyclist. Need someone to store your millions under their mattress and not tell a word? – a cyclist is your one and only.

6. Navigational expert

Lost at Chaddy again? Does the CBD break you out in a cold non-exercise-related sweat? Never fear, your cycling pal is probably a better navigator than Cook. They’ve ridden every bike trail within 50km and know every street in their city like the back of their hand. They know the fastest, safest routes and the path to the best cafés and beyond. Google Maps? Puh-lease! Just follow the Lycra Angel.

7. Intelligence

These guys are more than just witty, they’re wise beyond their years. Not only are they practically minded and handy with moving parts, they can pack a car like a Tetris champion. What other human can fulfil line up duties like a cyclist? They know everything Google ever wanted to know about their sport and theyll be able to help you choose a ripping bike for yourself.

Cyclists can help you empty your wallet very quickly

8. Humble AF

They wont need any compliments to pump their tyres, these guys manage to slip in tales of their athletic pursuits into every conversation. The k’s for days, the vert, the hours spent working on sharpening their tan lines. Gee whiz! Relevant? Of course it is! They have style for miles, yet they don’t gloat. The greatest compliments they receive are from each other.

9. Early birds

These crazy cats, they go to bed early and the earlier the better. If you are blessed with a cyclist as not only your amigo but also your lover, you wont have to persist with small talk because they'll fall asleep in about 60 seconds.

10. Entertainment

They have incredible stories about amazing rides they've been on, with serious vert and speedy descents. Youll never get bored.

11. Cycling Family

You'll never have to meet their extended family as they have limited time. Think cycling + eat + sleep -> repeat. Not too much time for family dinners. Some cyclists don’t even remember who their relatives are.

12. Nutrition

Sick of friends that always refuse dessert? Well the cyclist will happily indulge in all the fancy food, wine and almond croissants knowing theyll burn it off on the 200km ride they'll be doing in the morning.

13. Looks

Cyclists, they're hot. Fact. They have a healthy glow and a lust for life that is rarely seen elsewhere. Their bodies are toned, albeit sometimes appearing malnourished, but smooth and with stamina envied by athletes from every discipline. And studies have shown that being around attractive people will certainly make you, in turn, appear much better looking.

The cyclist will easily fill and overly compensate for every friendship requirement you’ll ever have. Yes, like a religious zealot they will probably try to convert you too. But the more time you spend with them it will be obvious that these well-balanced and highly evolved individuals that encompass all the qualities you’ll ever dream of needing in a pal. This cohort of society know how to enjoy themselves and the more time you spend turning over the pedals with them, the easier it’ll be to see that they are by far the greatest friends you’ll ever have.