How to negotiate a new bike with your significant other
These handy tricks could see you happily riding your new bike in no time.
Words - James Raison
Spending thousands of dollars on another bike can draw a lot of scrutiny from the significant others in our lives. There are sneaky ways to kick off negotiations though and we’ve compiled them below. You can thank us later!
N+(1-1)
One in. One out. This is an absolute classic from the bike-justification playbook. In fact, this may be the first chapter.
Pro tip: swap out your worst bike. That rubbish late-1980s bike with frame shifters that your dad gave you can be the necessary sacrifice to the bicycle gods.
Rewards: A new bike AND a place to put it!
Risks: Your spouse is wise to your tricks and demands your best bike has to go.
You’re worth a TIME Alpe d’Huez for sure
COMPUTE THE COMMUTE
If I catch a bus every day instead of riding it costs about $8. What a waste! If I get a new bike and commute on it, I get a daily benefit of $8 towards the cost and ongoing maintenance of the bike. How great is that? You’d be stupid NOT to! On a long enough timeline you’re literally making money.
Then there’s car costs. Maintenance, wear and tear, parking, the sheer stress of driving in peak hour… you don’t need that nonsense. Wouldn’t life be better on a new bike?
Rewards: A LightWeight Urgestalt.
Risks: Having to commute on your Lightweight Urgestalt.
FAMINE NOW, FEAST LATER
It was a revelation when child-me realised I could stack present values to get one even better present. Let me explain. Combine the value Christmas+birthday+Easter+whatever other significant gift-giving annual events and you can soon free up a significant amount of capital. You can totally put that towards your next, awesome bike. The best thing about this approach is you’re getting someone else to help you pay for it. Amazing!
You’ll also be spared the crap presents you normally get. A Top Gear DVD? Great, not like that’s available on the internet. Oh, socks again. Fabulous. Lynx shower gel. This relationship is dead and you know it.
Rewards: A new bike that someone else partially or wholly paid for.
Risks: Finding out your spouse only values your birthday at $50.
Behold your new commuter/pub bike!
STEALTH
This one can take a lot of effort, but the rewards could be massive. Buy every bike in matte black. Seriously. Think about it. If all your bikes look the same then you can add more without anyone noticing. Sure, it’s limiting. Potentially expensive too. But the possibilities are endless... among bikes that come in matte black. Let's be honest here, matte black always look totally boss.
Rewards: A massive collection of cool-ass bikes.
Risks: You’re totally screwed if matte black disappears as a colour option.
DON'T JUSTIFY IT
Justify your bike? Pffft! You earned that bike! You’re awesome, good looking, and respected by all your friends and co-workers. Your spouse is lucky to have such a paragon of humanity in their life. Just buy it. Why? Because bicycle. Say it after me: BECAUSE BICYCLE!
Rewards: Drowning in bikes.
Risks: Dying in an alley, alone, inside the cardboard box your bike came in.
STOP BUYING MORE BIKES
Leave. I mean it. Get out right now. That selfish attitude hurts all of us. You are weak, your bloodline is weak, and I hope you don’t survive the Winter.
How did you justify your bike? Is there anything I missed? Let us know in the comments below.
