Hacking group ‘Deluxe Koalas’ has released damning documents revealing a bicycle industry conspiracy forcing you all to buy new bikes and equipment.
Words - James Raison
Deluxe Koalas have released documents hacked from some of the world’s biggest bicycle companies showing evidence of coordinated, and intentional attempts to force users to buy new bikes every year by making their current bikes “seem crap.”
A memorandum circulated through industry channels allegedly states:
“By releasing new products on an annual basis, we can force consumers to buy new bikes and gear more often. We can also include non-functional technological boondoggles as part of the annual development cycle so people riding older bikes are clearly marked out for the peasants they are.”
Further, the hack reveals that research about new technological developments have been fabricated.
An email exchange between the CEOs of two of cycling’s biggest brands (redacted for legal reasons) conclusively show that disc brakes are a scam. Key quotes from the exchange are as follows:
“So we threw the darts at the Innovations Board and one of them landed on ‘disc brakes’ and (name redacted) suggested we roll out hydraulic discs on road bikes. When the laughter stopped, we thought about it and we reckon it could work. Do you still have that guy at the UCI we can blackmail into forcing them into pro racing?”
A later reply references the technical testing of disc brakes:
“Well, apart from being heavy and looking rubbish, they’re borderline dangerous. I mean, those spinning discs are just like buzz-saws. Someone could be killed but who cares if they’ve already bought the bike?”
The hack could be a serious blow to the adoption of discs on road bikes.
AERO IS NOTHING
The conspiracy extends to the recent obsessions with aerodynamics.
An aero bike maker has been recorded admitting that claiming wind tunnel test results started as “a fart joke that got out of hand.” La Velocita has off-the-record testimony confirming that no-one in the bicycle industry even has a wind tunnel. When asked, our source responded with: “Ha! We aren’t Ferrari. Who would buy that bollocks?”
One of the biggest helmet manufacturers has been embroiled in the scandal too.
Documents have surfaced as part of the leak showing the results of aero helmet testing:
“The results showed no improvement in aerodynamics from the aerodynamic helmet developments. Really, they look pretty ridiculous too. Could we maybe get Team Sky to wear them? Then we’d never have to explain if they work or not.”
The hack, carried out on 12 October, has left the cycling industry in full damage control. We’ve reached out to several companies but none has responded.
Cycling Industry analyst Jose Intossicato has predicted the industry will use misdirection to distract from the leak:
“First, they’ll rig a big race so Peter Sagan wins. Nobody cares about scandal when Sagan does something cool. Next, sue Lance Armstrong again. It’s a classic move. Finally, they’ll have one of the legends of the sport killed. Eddy Merckx should probably get someone else to start his car.”
La Velocita is currently working through the thousands of leaked documents. In the mean time our advice to concerned consumers is to consider taking up bare-foot jogging.
What do you think of the conspiracy? Do you suspect it all along? What are you going to do with your bike? Leave a comment below.