A Melbourne cyclist has experienced an existential crisis after forgetting any way to tell the internet that he went for a bike ride.
Josh Fallimento, 25 of Brunswick East, re-counts the harrowing tale:
"I was riding my hashtag Pinnarello down hashtag Beach Road when I looked down and saw my empty quarter turn mount."
Mr Fallimento immediately pulled over and reached for his phone, hoping to open his Strava app to record the rest of the ride. His pocket was empty due to also forgetting his phone. The realisation that there would be no data to upload from his ride left Josh dejected and he walked to the nearest cafe for an un-documented latte.
This was a particularly bad day to forget his Garmin and phone, as Josh describes:
"It was hashtag new kit day, and hashtag my sock game was particularly strong. Not to mention there was some prime hashtag lightbro going on."
That wasn't the end of his experience, as Josh re-mounted to ride home he realised:
"I just don't really like riding bikes. You sit on an uncomfortable chair, spin your legs for a few hours, and just go back to where you started. Who needs that?"
La Velocita questioned Josh about his plans for when he gets home:
"Well, I'll have to phone at Rapha, at Fizik official, at Ridge Supply, and at Kask helmets to tell them that I was wearing their gear. After that, I'll list my hashtag Italian stallion on bicycle market. I don't even want to look at it any more."
The explosion in use of electronic devices and social media platforms raises questions about why people ride bikes. For Josh, there is no future in cycling due to his data disconnection:
"Without my devices there isn't a single PR, selfie, KOM, or kudos from this ride. I can't even analyse my training peaks data. How will brands be able to like photos I tagged them in? This shit is pointless."
We at La Velocita urge all cyclists to be diligent when packing their ride gear. Consider putting your Garmin into the mount, and packing your jersey pockets the night before you ride.
Read more hard-hitting news:
- CadenZ Training Simulator Announced - "Just like Zwift but outside."
- Cycling industry conspiracy revealed in data hack - "So we threw the darts at the Innovations Board and one of them landed on ‘disc brakes’"
- 7 danger of new bike day - "For any self-respecting cyclist new bike day is the greatest day of the year. Christmas is a burden, nobody cares about your birthday after 21, and Peter Sagan will retire eventually so yeah, N+1 is all we have."