Helmet ban proposed to stop arguments about Mandatory Helmet Laws

Helmet ban proposed to stop arguments about Mandatory Helmet Laws

A cyclist fed-up with endless debates about mandatory helmet laws (MHL) is proposing the banning of helmets to end the debate permanently.

Words - James Raison

Hayley Perdant, 33 of Moonee Ponds, has created a Change.org petition and plans to take the matter to Minister for Roads and Road Safety, The Hon. Luke Donnellan. Mandatory Helmet Laws (MHL) were first rolled out across Australian States and Territories between 1990 and 1992 and have been a hotly contested point since then.

Ms Perdant has had enough of the argument. She explains:

“Every goddam time someone mentions mandatory helmet laws it kicks off a pointless debate that goes absolutely nowhere! I swear to god, if I have to read ‘it’s a no-brainer’ one more (expletive) time, I’m going to have Peter Sagan assassinated.”

Asked about the efficacy of helmets, Hayley gritted her teeth and responded:

“Yeah, I’ve crashed and the helmet protected my head. But I’d still wear the goddam thing if I didn’t have to. But that’s not the point is it? Repealing MHL doesn’t imply making helmets illegal. It’s not like every cyclist is descending Donna Buang in the rain. You see, I’m arguing already! This is exactly what I want to stop!”

Perdant continues; “It just makes me so angry. I swear, MHL debate is a greater risk to my health than crashing my bike without a helmet.”

Perdant’s has some scientific backing in that claim. The Centre for Research and Australian Psychology (CRAP) have been researching the effects of MHL debate on the brains of cyclists. Head Researcher, Antoine Schianto has noticed a trend:

“We’ve been monitoring a sample of 100 Australian Cyclists and there’s a strong correlation between brain size and time spent arguing about MHL. Those who argue more, have an over-developed fluid layer around the brain. The first case was noted in 1996 and has since been named Homer Simpson Syndrome.”

Schianto continued; “The irony here is that this extra fluid layer acts like a helmet of sorts. Effectively, arguing about MHL reduces your brain size, thus eliminating the need for a helmet.”

Meanwhile, Ms Pedant is continuing her work: “I just want to live in a world where I can open Facebook and not see have an MHL debate jammed into my skull.”

When asked if she’s for, or against, mandatory helmet laws, Ms Perdant left abruptly.

What do you think of MHL laws? Be sure to leave a comment. Not on this article though. Somewhere else.